Some of us may experience some kind of external pressure to make certain changes in our life. External pressure can then shift to feeling an internal pressure within us. To exacerbate the situation, we may feel alone and may be worried about failure that tends to overshadow any confidence of potential success. Additionally, time constraints and a sense of overwhelm may develop given this unfamiliar landscape. If our desire to lose weight, stop smoking, decrease alcohol intake (to name a few), is linked to saving a relationship, the stakes may likely feel even more intense and dire.
When we struggle in life, it may be helpful to consider the reality of what is really happening: we are standing in the midst of our own wounding. The more awareness we have about our own wounding themes, the better we are able to navigate our way safely through. One central piece of our individual wounding may include our tendency to blame ourselves and beat up on ourselves when we perceive we have failed at something. Given that many of us struggle with this tendency to self-abuse, highlights the incredible power of collective wounding. When groups of people carry similar-themed woundings, the collective energy strengthens and deepens as the wounding is repeated over and over by many people. The more awareness we have about our own individual wounding, as well as our collective wounding, we increase the potential for resolving our woundings through healing properties.
What was our experience with success and failure when we were growing up in our families? If we strongly identify with the negative messages as they are cast upon us early on in life, we take them on and we make them mean something about ourselves. The negativity begins to turn inward and each time the cycle is repeated, the negative messages strengthen and deepen within us. As young children, we needed consistent positive messages and a strong foundation, believing in our ability to be successful, but if we didn’t receive this early on in life, wounding occurs. This becomes paramount as we assess our progress with making and implementing our goals because the ways in which we support ourselves when making changes is incredibly pertinent to our success. If we place blame and beat up on ourselves, we decrease our probability of being successful.
Years ago, I heard a fable about a prince who wanted to fall in love, but he was so preoccupied with his appearance, believing he was ugly. So, he had a mask made to cover his face and then believed he was beautiful. As stories go, the prince fell in love, but each day he worried more and more that his bride-to-be would eventually find out about the mask. He worried that he would lose her once she discovered the mask. So, in desperation, he told her the truth about the mask. Before he could stop her, she yanked the mask from his face and said “See, you are beautiful through and through.” What he didn’t realize was that he had grown into the mask.
The same can be true for us. We may not know how to offer ourselves positive messages if we didn’t receive them consistently in our family-of-origin. So, we begin where we are and make one small step at a time. The small steps grow into bigger steps and deepen within us. Slowly, over time, we begin to shift the negativity towards positive aspects of having compassion for ourselves. Once we begin to believe the deepening messages of positive compassion within us, the truth within us has taken root and can prevail as we continue to reinforce what we have begun. Wearing compassion within us is very attractive and positively contagious. As you witness it in yourself and others, you may feel a smile come over you for the progress you are feeling inside of you.
Jules Steffen, LMHC, CHT, PPN, EFT 